Your Adopted Grandchild A conversation with Dale Atkins, PhD

A friend recently told me that her son and daughter-in-law were adopting a baby – and she confided that she was worried about how to be a good and loving grandparent to a child that wasn't biologically related to her. I could see that she was really struggling with it, so I asked Dr. Dale Atkins, an expert in family relationships, what advice she had to give.

Marlo, I'm glad to answer this one – and I'm glad your friend is acknowledging her worries about it. Facing up to her feelings is a big first step!

Let's think for a minute about all the hopes and dreams that go into becoming a grandparent. It can be such a warm and wonderful relationship, allowing you to bestow love and affection freely, without all the discipline and limit-setting you went through with your own child. And it's a way to see into the future, envisioning your family extending and growing into the coming generations. It's really quite special and loving.

When you think about those grandchildren, those links to the future, do you envision a miniature version of yourself, or your child? Do you hope to get a glimpse of your own parents again, reflected in the eyes of this new family addition? It's only natural – for many of us, that's what being a grandparent is all about.

So it's also natural for someone to experience a mix of feelings when they find out their grandchild will be adopted. You may be relieved that your child's struggle with infertility will be over, or worried about your unmarried child's decision to become a single parent. You may be overjoyed about a new baby or child, or you may be disappointed that he or she won't be "yours" in the way you'd envisioned. Most likely, you'll feel a mix of things. Know that your child may be feeling a similar mix, and be open to listening.

Then prepare yourself to embrace and love this new addition to the family. Get your "brag book" ready to fill with photos, and be prepared to counter comments from friends and neighbors who suggest that this is not your "real" grandchild – because he or she will be real, make no mistake about it. And you have a special role to play in this child's life!

It certainly is a special role! I have such great memories of my grandparents – they seemed to know instinctively how to make me feel loved and valued.

It's true – the job of a grandparent is to support, affirm, and love the grandchildren. Your role is unique and special – you'll be simultaneously sharing your own life experience and creating this child's life experience, each and every time you're together.

Children need to feel that they belong, and that they're part of a family. You can share your heritage, your history, and your memories, because he or she is now part of the fabric of your family. Some ways to do this are:

• Play a game you enjoyed when you were young, and tell the child what you remember about your childhood, and who you played with.

• Share your holiday traditions and the reasons why you do things the way you do them.

• Together, bake the cookies your grandmother taught you how to bake.

• Tell the child how happy you are that he or she is part of the family – especially important for an older adopted child – and use "claiming" words often (you're mine, I'm yours).

• Be a part of everyday life if you can – volunteer together, or go to Grandparents' Day at school, and attend as many plays, recitals, and soccer games as you can. Spending time with any child, particularly an adopted child, lets them know that they are worth your time and that you value them.

• If you don't live nearby, you can still be an everyday presence (see Long-distance Grandparenting) and visit as often as you can. Take pictures and put them into a "time with grandma or grandpa" album that your grandchild can keep, along with some small gift or memento from the visit.

• Get physical! Hug, hold, and cuddle your grandchild. Be generous with all kinds of loving physical contact (rubbing a back, tousling a mop of hair, snuggling close while reading together). We know how important early physical contact is for any child's social, emotional, and mental development. Children adopted from orphanages probably didn't get enough physical contact, and will benefit greatly from it – but if your grandchild isn't ready for it, be patient and follow the child's lead.

• Be a good listener. Adopted children need a safe place to explore feelings they may have about their origins and their place in the family. They may wonder about their birth mother, but have a tough time broaching that topic with their parents. Who better to talk to than a loving and accepting grandparent? (You'll want to be sure not to reveal anything that the child doesn't know, or say anything that contradicts what the parents have said, so have a discreet conversation with the parents about what you can and can't say.)

If you have other grandchildren, be absolutely sure you don't play favorites or give your adopted grandchild any reason to feel "different" or less a part of the family than they are. Be vigilant about the perceived value of birthday and holiday gifts, and if you contribute to college funds for some grandchildren be sure to do the same for all of them. And don't listen to friends who advise you to change your estate plans to treat this grandchild differently – families are formed based on love and commitment, not just biology.

Most of all, remember that relationships evolve over time. Making a solid, loving connection with an adopted grandchild requires that you give yourself permission to sort out those initial feelings and give yourself and the child a chance to bond. If you just remember that all children need to feel loved, you will always be guided in the right direction.

Dale V. Atkins, PhD, has more than 25 years of expertise as a relationship specialist helping couples and families. She is a regular contributor to the Today show and runs a private practice in New York City.